Wednesday 25 February 2009

Transcription of the jealosy of women - hasan as somalee

Jealousy of the Women

Speaker: Hassan As-Somaali

This is a SalafiCast.net radio recording.

The speaker begins by saying:

Insha Allah Taala, we will continue to read from the valuable book ‘My Advice to the Women’ which was authored by the daughter of Shayk ______(NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the name of this Shayk), who is Umm Abdillaah al-Waadiyyah. In this lecture we will be reading from the chapter entitled “The Jealousy of the Women”. Umm Abdillaah she starts discussing this subject by mentioning the hadith reported by Imam Bukharia on the Authority of Anas who said:

“That the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) he was with some of his wives and one of the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam)sent a plate of food to him. So the woman, the wife whom the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) was in her house at that time…She hit the plate out of the hand of the servant. The plate it broke into pieces. The Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) gathered the pieces of the plate. Then he(sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) started to gather the food that was upon the plate. Then he said ‘Your mother has been jealous.’ Then he(sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) held the servant and would not let him go until he(sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) came with a plate. A plate from the house of the wife whose house he(sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) was in at that time. And he(sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) gave the plate which was in its proper and sound state to the wife whose plate had been broken. And he(sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) left the broken plate in the house of the wife where it was broken.

The speaker says Umm Abdillaah continued to mention(in her book):

“Jealousy comes from the changing of the state of the heart and the arousement of anger.“ This is caused due to sharing that which was specific to them. She said “And the most extreme type of jealousy is that which occurs between the husband and the wife.” She said “…and jealousy is of two types, Praiseworthy and dispraise worthy. “ She said “Praiseworthy jealousy… what is praiseworthy jealousy? It is that jealousy which does not exceed and transgress the boundaries of the Shar’ia. (The Book and the Sunnah) While, the Dispraise worthy jealousy, is that jealousy which transgresses and exceeds the boundaries laid down by the Shar’ia. She said that “if it exceeds the Shar’ia (the boundaries laid down by the Book and the Sunnah) then this jealousy is dispraise worthy.

The speaker says she continued a few lines later (in her book) to say:

“And likewise, the jealousy of the woman towards her husband is praiseworthy as long as it does not exceed and transgress those boundaries laid down by the Shar’ia.” So an important point is being highlighted and it is that the jealousy of a wife towards her husband is praiseworthy as long as it does not exceed and transgress those boundaries laid down by the Book and the Sunnah. She said “… and from that which the woman has been trialed with is that she has extreme jealousy if her husband wanted to get married again and how many times do we see this?” She said “So much so, that her extreme jealousy and her _____ (NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the word the speaker states) towards her husband, it might lead to her falling into that which Allah made haram.” How many times do we see that due to the husband wanting to get married again and due to the wife’s jealousy towards her husband she falls into that which Allah made haram. So you find she might leave the house without any permission. You find she might cut up his clothes and throw them out the window. You find that she might try to physically abuse her husband. And this is not from the estranged. Umm Abdillaah (in her book) gives an example of this, She said “That a woman she might use magic so that her husband will hate her co wife and magic is disbelief.” So she mentioned the saying of Allah subhana wa taala: “They followed what the shaytaan and the devils gave out falsely of magic in the lifetime of Sulleyman. Sulleyman did not disbelieve, but the shaytaan and the devils disbelieve. Teaching in magic and such things that came down of Babylon to the two angels , ______ and _______ (NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the two angels names). But neither of these two angels taught anyone such things till they had said ‘we are only a trial so disbelieve not.” And this is the proof to establish that magic is khufr, disbelief.

The speaker says Umm Abdillaah (in her book) gives you an example saying:

“Due to the extreme jealousy of the wife towards the husband and her hating and detesting that he get married again (she may fall into this magic, Khufr, disbelief)… this is my heed to her falling into magic or using magic to make the husband hate the co wife.” Falling into Khufr or disbelief, we seek refuge with Allah subhana wa taala. Umm Abdillaah, of the mentioning, that nobody can aide you and harm you except Allah subhana wa taala and mentioning the proofs of this she said “Beware, Beware of falling into this ______(NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the word he used at this time). So don’t let the devil fool you so that you may fall in love and want to stick to this worldly life.” Do not let the devil fool you concerning the desires of this world which will come to an end and due to this you will end up falling into disbelief and we seek refuge with Allah subhana wa taala. So Umm Abdillaah, advising the sisters, she continued “…and this issue of her disliking her husband to get married again due to her extreme jealousy, it might lead so many to hope and then longing for that polygamy was never legislated. And For another one of them It might leave her hating the Shar’ia, hating that which has been legislated.” Again we seek refuge in Allah from this hating the Shar’ia due to polygamy being allowed. She said “And some of them they hope and they long that their husbands will die if they were to get married again.”

And there are many examples of this. So she has mentioned that there are levels. There are those women who are overtaken by their extreme jealousy towards their husbands. So when the husband wants to get married again her extreme jealousy could lead her to practice or use magic. So this woman has fallen into Khufr, disbelief. And some of them, they hope and they long that polygamy had never been legislated. And others they hate the Shar’ia (that which has been legislated) due to polygamy being allowed. And some of them hope that their husband would die if they were to get married again. And she said “Some of the women you will not find any of the above occurring from them, but you will find that she will loosely apply her tongue.” Meaning loosely speak about her co wife being stabbed with abuse and backbiting.” And again it is not strange to see co wives fighting. This is a disgrace. It shows that they lack shame that you see them fighting because of this extreme jealousy. And all of this is from the plots and the plans of the devil.

Umm Abdillaah said ______(NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the name spoken at this time) is a believing woman, her position from this (belief she has), if her husband was to get married again even though she has praiseworthy jealousy towards him, her position from this would be that she will know that everything that happens in the universe is by the pre-decree of Allah subhana wa taala. And she said “Allah the most high said ‘From the command of Allah is a decree determined.” She mentioned the saying of Allah “Everything we created with Qudar .” She said “No matter how much has befallen you from the calamities of this world, this is nothing in comparison to you safeguarding and preserving the well being of your religion.” Meaning the most important thing in all of this is to preserve the well being of your religion. And she said “It is upon you to make a dua, to supplicate to Allah subhana wa taala.” And she mentioned the saying of Allah the most high “Envoke me, supplicate to me and I will answer you.” In this ayat Allah subhana wa taala he commands and encourages the slaves to supplicate and envoke him and he promises them that he will answer them. She said “It is upon you to ward off that which occurs in your heart from you detesting and hating your co wife.” Remove that hate and detest from your heart which is directed towards your co wife, purify it, clean it, cleanse it, remove it, erase it.” She said “Because she is a woman just like you and why have you reached this level? So know, If we were to have sound intellect, oh women, we would not busy ourselves with this.” Meaning if we were to have sound intellect we would not busy ourselves with this, rather we would have patience and return to Allah subhana wa taala with worship.

She said “even though jealousy (meaning praiseworthy jealousy ) occurred from the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) Allah he praised them highly in the Quran with his saying ‘Oh wives of the Prophet you will not like any other woman if you keep your duty.’ And she said “From the examples of the jealousy (the praiseworthy jealousy) of the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam)is the previous hadith.” Meaning the first hadith that we read. She said “and likewise, from the hadith of Aisha (Radyallahu anha) reported in Bukhari and Muslim that Aisha (Radyallahu anha) said ‘I did not feel jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) as much as I did of Khadijah, although I did not see her. The Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) used to mention her often. And whenever he slaughtered a sheep the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) will cut its parts and send them to the women friends of Khadijah(Radyallahu anha). _______ (NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the few words the speaker said at this moment)I sometimes used to say to the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) ‘you treat Khadijah in such a manner as if there is no woman on earth except Khadijah.’ And he would respond ‘Khadijah was this and she was that and from her I had children.” And in this hadith we see the establishment of jealousy.

Jealousy was present in the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) …praiseworthy jealousy, praiseworthy jealousy. And likewise, this hadith shows us the excellence of Khadijah (Radyallahu anha) and it shows us the excellence of a righteous wife. If you are righteous and Allah subhana wa taala decreed that something should happen to you and you were to die then your husband would always remember you, insha Allah. Because the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) said “This world is enjoyment and the best of the enjoyment is a righteous wife.” Meaning he will remember those days of bliss and happiness and security and comfort and understanding. He will always remember and cherish what you gave him and Insha Allah, supplicate for you and make dua for you that Allah subhana wa taala grant you paradise and forgive you of your sins. Umm Abdillaah, after mentioning that hadith, she mentions another hadith upon the authority of Aisha (Radyallahu anha) who said “Halla, the daughter of Khadijah’s sister, asked the permission of the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) to enter. When the Prophet heard Halla, he remembered the way Khadijah used to ask permission and that upset him and he said ‘Oh Allah _____ (NOTE: at this time the speaker says a word I am unable to make out)!’ and she (Aisha) said I became jealous and said to him ‘What makes you remember an old woman amongst the old women of Qurash with a toothless mouth of red gums, who died long ago and in whose place Allah has given you somebody better than her?”

Then Umm Abdillaah continued “In this hadith it is established… praiseworthy jealousy. It is not something that is detested and looked down upon, this occurs. This praiseworthy jealousy occurred from the most excellent of women. Never mind speaking about those who are lesser than them!” And again she mentioned a hadith to establish the fact that the wives of the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) had praiseworthy jealousy. The hadith upon the authority of Aisha (Radyallahu anha):

“Whenever the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam)intended to go on a journey he drew lots among his wives. (Again, look how fair the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) was, verily he was the fairest of all of the people.) So after the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) drew lots amongst his wives the lot fell on Aisha and Hafsa. So when night came the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) would ride beside Aisha (Radyallahu anha) and talk with her. One night Hafsa (Radyallahu anha) said to Aisha ‘Wont you ride my camel tonight and I ride yours so that you may see me and I may see you?’ Aisha said ‘Certainly, no problem.’ So Aisha mounted and rode Hafsa’s camel. So the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) he came towards Aisha’s camel on which Hafsa was riding and he greeted her and preceded beside her till they dismounted on the way. Aisha (Radyallahu anha) missed him and due to her missing him, when they dismounted she put her legs in the _____ (NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the word used to describe the place she puts her legs) and she said “Oh Lord, send a scorpion or a snake to bite me for I am up to blame him, the Prophet(sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) .” This is praiseworthy jealousy of the wives of the Prophet.

Umm Abdillaah she said “and likewise, you find this jealousy in other than them (meaning other than the wives of the Prophet) from the noble female companions. So likewise the female companions they possess this quality of praiseworthy jealousy.” And she said “Upon the authority of Anas he said ‘Oh Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) why is it that you don’t marry from the women of the Ansar?’ The Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) said ‘because they have EXTREME Jealousy!” So the female companions, we know the companions are the best of mankind (after the Prophets and Messengers) and we know that we are commanded to follow the companions from the _____ (NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the name of the group of people that is mentioned here, something ,like Muhajiroon) and the Ansar.

So Umm Abdillaah she continues she says “So is it not that jealousy will certainly be present in us?” Meaning if jealousy was present in them (praiseworthy jealousy) then definitely we are going to have jealousy because they had it and they are the best of mankind, and surely we are going to have it.” She said “That which is obligatory upon the woman is to have patience.” Something that is very rare in our times because what happens sometimes is that the wife has friends and they are pretending to be advisors . In reality they are not sincere advisors. Some of them might be jealous because the sister has a good husband. Some of them might just be evil. Some of them might have nothing better to do than destroy somebody’s marriage. So the sisters whose husband got married again speaks to her companions and they whisper in her ears and unfortunately there is no patience. So the first thing she says (the first thing to come from her mouth) is “Either divorce me or grant me the Khula.” Why, because of a lack of patience. Umm Abdillaah she said “That which is obligatory upon us (that which is obligatory upon the women and likewise the men) is to have patience. From the fruits of having Emaan and belief in the decree of Allah subhana wa taala is that one would have patience.” She said “This is mentioned by my father, in his book Al-Jannah ____ (NOTE: I am unable to transcribe the full name of the book).”

Umm Abdillaah she mentioned “All of the actions of Allah subhana wa taala are of wisdom. All the acts of Allah subhana wa taala are actions of wisdom.” Meaning there is wisdom behind them. She said “None other, this is a principal,that sometimes we know the wisdom behind something and sometimes we don’t (meaning it is not apparent).” Then she went on to mention (speaker says this is something that we mentioned previously, but it is important so, Insha Allah taala, we will repeat it, especially at the end of this lecture) “From the wisdoms of Polygamy (speakers notes by saying “and this issue of Polygamy, unfortunately due to influence of the enemies of Islam and due to the influence of those people who hate that which Allah subhana wa taala revealed in his book and that which was revealed to his Prophet in the Sunnah. People are unaware of the wisdom of Polygamy and this is sad especially for us as believers, insha Allah taala. As Allah subhana wa taala mentions “Verily! Am I your Lord they will not believe. So there is you Muhhamad as a judge between them in all of their affairs.”)

So Umm Abdillaah she mentions that “Wisdoms behind Polygamy…” (speaker notes: Again this is a woman writing, not a man, Sister to Sister. So nobody can be bias and nobody can be chauvinistic and nobody wants to oppress females because she is a female herself.) She said:

”…Number one, due to Polygamy there will be many children.” And she said the Prophet (sal Allahu allayhi wa salaam) said “Marry and have many children for verily I will compete with you. I will compete with the other nations, through you, to have many children.” So, Insha Allah, we should want to have children…many children.

“…Number Two, maybe the woman is Barren” (meaning she can’t have any children and this is something common, familiar. It is not something unknown.)She adds “That he divorces her or she remains with him and he gets married again. And what is better? That the husband remains without any children or that he get married again? The answer is that it is better that he keeps her and he gets married again.” (And we are talking about those brothers who have the ability to get married again.)

“and Number Three, when a woman is in a state of post natal bleeding and menstruation maybe the husband cant handle that period of time for this would lead him and cause him to fall into that which is haram, that which is impermissible.” So Umm Abdillaah she said “The solution to this problem is marriage, maybe to get married again.”

“ Number Four, Maybe the woman will have something wrong with her, some defect, and it is better that he keeps her and not divorce her and he gets married again.”

“ Number Five, maybe the woman is frequently sick. She has a sickness and she is always sick. Maybe she is unable to perform a few of the daily tasks so therefore it is better that he marries again and he does not separate from her.”

“ Number Six, Polygamy joins the various families. Families who were scattered it joins them all together.” And she mentioned the saying of Allah subhana wa taala _____ (NOTE: at this time he says the Surrah and Ayat, but I am unable to make out what he is saying.)”

She said “Number Seven,that the woman needs someone who will take care of her needs.” And from this is the example of the spending the husband has to give to his wife…the clothing, the food, the shelter. And she said “And with polygamy then the husband, Insha Allah taala, can take care of that.”(rather than divorce which leave the woman without someone to care for her needs) Again that is why Allah subhana wa taala tells us “The men are in charge of the women because the man is the one who arise with the task and fulfills the needs of his wife.” And this was the beneficial points mentioned by Shayk _____(NOTE: I believe he says Shayk Fawzaan, but am not 100% certain), that if the man is the one supporting the wife then , Insha Allah taala, this will aid them in having a successful marriage. But unfortunately, the one thing that we see is that the woman for example, is the one who is the bread winner for the family. Meaning she is the one who supports the family. As this is the case this is going to lead to confrontation. It’s going to lead to conflict. It’s going to lead to misunderstandings. The woman is not going to know her correct role; the man is going to be deprived of his correct role. The man will be looked down upon. He will belittled and so therefore, the man, it is his responsibility to provide for his wife. It is his responsibility to provide for his wife. And at the end of it she said “…and the knowledge of this lies with Allah Subhana wa taala.” The real knowledge of this lies with Allah.

So this subject, the subject of the jealousy of the women, it should be understood and it should be implemented. Insha Allah, we recognize as a husband that a woman is jealous. Likewise we recognize that there is praiseworthy jealousy and there is dispraise worthy jealousy. And likewise, this is an advice to the sisters to fear Allah Subhana wa taala, like Umm Abdillaah advised you to do. Worry about the well being and the soundness of your religion, that is the most important thing. Paradise, Al-Jannah, that which pleases Allah subhana wa taala. And we should stay away and abstain from that which angers Allah. So a piece of beneficial advice, that would solve many problems if it was met by an open heart and a set of open ears. For those who’s ears are sealed, those who do not want to hear, then we ask Allah subhana wa taala that he cures you of your sickness and that he guides you to the correct path and Insha Allah taala, we will end it here.-- END

Tuesday 17 February 2009

The classification of Hadeeth


Da'if (Weak) – A Hadith which is weak has a defect either in the chain of transmission or in the correct understanding of the transmitter, or its contents are not in perfect agreement with Islamic belief and practices. It is in fact a tradition of weak or less reliable authority.


Ghareeb (Rare)
– The Hadith in the chain of transmission for which the number of narrators is reduced to one at any stage is known as a Ghareeb Hadith. Imam Tirmithi used two special terms regarding both the Hasan and Gharib Ahadith expanding their categorization which are:


Hasan Sahih – A Hasan Sahih Hadith is one which has a higher degree of authenticity than that of Hasan, but at the same time its degree of authenticity is somewhat lesser than that of Sahih.


Hasan Sahih Gharib
– A Hasan Sahih Hadith is at times qualified by the word Gharib when the link in transmission is joined to another at a certain point by one transmitter only. It is of course Hasan in respect to its soundness and Gharib only in regard to its chain of transmission.


Hasan (Good/Approved) – This is similar to Sahih tradition except for the fact that some of its narrators have been found to have a defective memory when compared to the narrators of Sahih Hadith.


Maktu' (Broken)
– This is a Hadith with a chain of transmission that cannot be traced beyond one of the successors (Tabieen).


Marfu' (Traced Directly) – This is a Hadith which is not as strong as the one in the previous classification and is traced directly to the Holy Prophet (s), and has more characteristics.


Mashhur (Well Known) – This is a tradition which has been handed down by at least three different reliable authorities, or according to another definition, a tradition which, although widely spread later, was originally transmitted by one person in the first generation.


Maudu' (Forged) – This is a type of "Hadith" which a liar fabricates and then attributes it to the Holy Prophet (s).


Maukuf (Suspended) – Maukuf is a Hadith in which the companion does not make the fact explicitly clear that he is narrating the Hadith of the Holy Prophet (s). For example, the narrator says that Hadrat 'Umar Ibn Khatab said such and such.


Mudallas (Deceptive) – If the transmitter of the Hadith does not mention the name of his teacher and gives the name of one who is a degree higher than his teacher using the words "meaning from so and so", this type of Hadith is called Mudallas and the act of concealing the name of the teacher is called Tadlees (deception).


Munkar (Disapproved) – This is a Hadith in which a weak transmitter of Hadith opposes one who is reliable and a proven authentic transmitter of Hadith.


Munkati' (Disjointed) – This is a Hadith in which either a link in the chain of transmission is found to be missing or an unknown narrator is found to join the chain.


Mursal (Forwarded) – If a companion of the Holy Prophet (s), is found to be missing from the chain of transmission and one of the Tabieen (successors of the companions) transmits it, then the Hadith is called Mursal.


Mutawatir (Continuous)
– This is a tradition reported by a large number of people at different times, so as to make it impossible for any corruption to permeate. (is considered as the highest degree of authenticity)


Muttasil or Mawsol (Joined) – This is a tradition which has successive narrators without any missing link, irrespective of the fact of whether it is traceable directly to the Holy Prophet (s), or to one of his companions, may Allah be pleased with them.


Qudsi (Divine)
– The Prophetic Quotation receives its meaning from Allah but the words are from the Prophet salla lahu alayhi wa salaam. In a Hadith Qudsi however, both the meaning and the words are from Allah such as those of the Holy Books given to Abraham (as), etc.


Sahih (Sound)
– This title is given to the utterly flawless transmitted Hadith. There is neither weakness in regard to the chain of transmission (Sanad) nor in the text (Matn), nor is there any contradiction in the established belief in the Holy Qur'an.


Shadh (Isolated)
– This is a Hadith in which a comparatively less authentic narrator of Hadith opposes one whose account is more authentic than his.

* A womans brain is tied to her tongue!!* عقل المرأة مربوط بلسانها !!

مربوط بلسانها
*عقل المرأة مربوط بلسانها !! ***

* A womans brain is tied to her tongue!!*

نحن نؤمن أن التوفيق بيد الله سبحانه وحدة وأن كل شيء مقدر ومكتوب .. ولكن هناك
أسباب يجب الأخذ بها مع التوكل على الله

We believe that success is in the hands of Allah SWT and that everything has
been written and destined.. but there are actions that we must be doing
whilst having Tawakul on Allah SWT

وهنا أذكر لكم ما قالته عجوز وهي سيدة حكيمة يحبها زوجها كثيراً حتى أنه كان
يحلو له أن ينشد لها أبيات الحب والغرام وكلما تقدماً في السن ازداد حبهما
وسعادتهما .. وعندما سألت تلك المرأة عن سر سعادتها الدائمة

And I shall mention to you what an old lady, that was very wise and greatly
loved by her husband to a point where he loved to sing love poetry to her
and as they grew old their love and happiness grew with them, said when she
was asked about the secret to her enduring happiness.

قالت : الحصول على السعادة الزوجية بيد المرأة , فالمرأة تستطيع أن تجعل من
بيتها جنة وارفة الظلال أو جهنم مستعرة النيران .>
She Said: Attaining married life happiness is in the hands of the woman, for
she can make her house a living heaven or turn it into burning hell.

لا تقولي المال .. فكثير من النساء الغنيات تعيسات وهرب منهن أزواجهن

Dont say money for alot of rich women are miserable and have been deserted
by their husbands.

ولا تقولي الأولاد .. فهناك من النساء من أنجبن 10 صبيان وزوجها يهينها ولا
يحبها ويمكن أن يطلقها

And dont say children for there are alot of women with 10 boys, have
husbands insulting them, not loving them and will probably divorce them.

ولا تقولي طباخة .. لأن الكثير منهن ماهرات في الطبخ , فالواحدة منهن تطبخ طوال
النهار ومع ذلك تشكو سوء معاملة زوجها وقلة احترامه لها

And dont say cooking because alot of them are experts at cooking, the one of
them cooks all day and yet complains about the maltreatment of and lack of
respect by her husband.

* إذا ما هو السر ؟؟؟

So what is the secret?

* ماذا كنت تعملين عند حدوث المشاكل مع زوجك ؟؟؟

What did you do when problems ocured with your husband?

قالت : عندما يغضب ويثور زوجي – وقد كان عصبياً – كنت ألجأ إلى الصمت المطبق
بكل احترام .. إياك والصمت المصاحب لنظرة سخرية ولو بالعين لأن الرجل ذكي و
يفهمها

She said: When my husband gets angry and is in rage I used to resort to
respectful silence, beware of silence whilst ridiculing him with your look
for men are smart and get it.

* لم لا تخرجي من الغرفة ؟؟

Why dont you leave the room?

قالت : إياك أن تخرجي من الغرفة .. قد يظن أنك تهربين منه ولا تريدين سماعه ,
عليك بالصمت وموافقته على ما يقول . كنت انتظره حتى يهدأ ثم بعد ذلك أقول له
وبصوتٍ خافت : هل انتهيت؟ ثم أخرج لأنه سيتعب وبحاجة للراحة بعد الكلام والصراخ
.. أخرج من الغرفة لأكمل أعمالي المنزلية وشؤون أولادي وأحاول أن لا أتذكر غضبه
وحربه لي .. وسيظل هو بمفرده وقد أنهكته الحرب التي شنها علي

She said: Never leave the room, he will think you are running away and dont
want to listen to him, you must keep silent and agreeing to what he says. I
would wait for him until he cools down and then I would tell him in a gentle
voice: Are you done? then I leave because he will get tired and needs to
rest after the rage and shouting, I leave the room to complete my housework
and my children chores and I try not to remember his anger and assault on
me, he will remain by himself tired from the rage he has given me.

* ماذا تفعلين هل تلجئين إلى أسلوب المقاطعة فلا تكلمينه لمدة أيام أو أسبوع ؟

What do you then do, do you give him the silent treatment for a few days or
a week?

قالت : لا .. إياك وإتباع أسلوب المقاطعة .. لأنها عادة سيئة وهي سلاح ذو حدين
عندما تقاطعين زوجك أسبوعاً قد يكون ذلك صعباً عليه في البداية ويحاول أن يكلمك
ولكن مع الأيام سوف يتعود على ذلك وإن قاطعته أسبوع قاطعك أسبوعين.

She said: No, never give the silent treatment, its a bad habbit and is a
double bladed sword, when you boycott him for a week it would be difficult
on him in the beginning and he will try to speak to you but with time he
will get used to it so that if you boycott him for a week he will boycott
you for two.

عليك أن تعوديه على أنك الهواء الذي يستنشقه والماء الذي يشربه ولا يستغني عنه
.. كوني كالهواء الرقيق وإياك والريح الشديدة

You have to make him used to the fact that you are the air he breathes, the
water which he drinks and cant live without, be like a gentle breeze and
never like a strong wind.

* إذاً ماذا تفعلين بعد ذلك ؟؟

So what do you do afterwards?

بعد ساعتين أو أكثر .. أضع له كوباً من العصير أو فنجاناً من القهوة وأقول له
تفضل أشرب , لأنه فعلاً محتاج إليه وأكلمه بشكل عادي ... سيقوم بسؤالي هل أنتِ
غاضبة ؟؟ فأقول لا

After two hours or more, I give him a glass of juice or a cup of coffee and
tell him please drink, for he is really in need for it and I talk to him
normaly, he will ask me: are you angry? and I say No.

فيبدأ بالاعتذار عن كلامه القاسي ويسمعني الكلام الجميل

He starts to apologize for his harsh talk and starts sweet talking me.

* وهل تصدقين اعتذاره وكلامه الجميل؟؟

And you believe his apology and sweet talk?

طبعاً ... لأني أثق بنفسي ولست غبية ...!!!

Ofcourse, because I trust myself and because I am not stupid.

هل تريدين مني تصديق كلامه وهو غاضب وتكذيبه وهو هادئ ؟؟؟

You want me to believe his talk whilst he is in rage and disbelieve it
whilst he is calm?

إن الإسلام لا يقر طلاق الغاضب ... وهو طلاق!! فكيف ما حصل معي أنا؟؟؟

Islam has not approved divorce whilst in rage , and thats divorce! so what
about what happened to me?

* فقيل لها ... و كرامتك ؟؟

She was told: What about your dignity?

قالت : أي كرامة ؟

She said: What dignity?

كرامتك ألا تصدقي أي كلمة جارحة من إنسان غاضب

Your dignity is when you dont believe a harsh word from an angry person.

و أن تصدقي كلامه عندما يكون هادئاً

And to believe his talk when he is calm.

أسامحه فوراً لأني قد نسيت كل الشتائم وأدركت أهمية

.سماع الكلام المفيد

I forgive him immediately because I have forgotten all the foul language and
realized the importance of hearing beneficial talk

وباختصار ومما سبق يمكن أن أقول :

سر السعادة الزوجية عقل المرأة ومربط تلك السعادة لسانها
And to summarize the above I can say: The secret to a happy marriage is the
woman's brain and that happiness's knot is her tongue.

Monday 16 February 2009

* A womans brain is tied to her tongue!!* عقل المرأة مربوط بلسانها

*عقل المرأة مربوط بلسانها !! ***

* A womans brain is tied to her tongue!!*

نحن نؤمن أن التوفيق بيد الله سبحانه وحدة وأن كل شيء مقدر ومكتوب .. ولكن هناك
أسباب يجب الأخذ بها مع التوكل على الله

We believe that success is in the hands of Allah SWT and that everything has
been written and destined.. but there are actions that we must be doing
whilst having Tawakul on Allah SWT

وهنا أذكر لكم ما قالته عجوز وهي سيدة حكيمة يحبها زوجها كثيراً حتى أنه كان
يحلو له أن ينشد لها أبيات الحب والغرام وكلما تقدماً في السن ازداد حبهما
وسعادتهما .. وعندما سألت تلك المرأة عن سر سعادتها الدائمة

And I shall mention to you what an old lady, that was very wise and greatly
loved by her husband to a point where he loved to sing love poetry to her
and as they grew old their love and happiness grew with them, said when she
was asked about the secret to her enduring happiness.

قالت : الحصول على السعادة الزوجية بيد المرأة , فالمرأة تستطيع أن تجعل من
بيتها جنة وارفة الظلال أو جهنم مستعرة النيران .>
She Said: Attaining married life happiness is in the hands of the woman, for
she can make her house a living heaven or turn it into burning hell.

لا تقولي المال .. فكثير من النساء الغنيات تعيسات وهرب منهن أزواجهن

Dont say money for alot of rich women are miserable and have been deserted
by their husbands.

ولا تقولي الأولاد .. فهناك من النساء من أنجبن 10 صبيان وزوجها يهينها ولا
يحبها ويمكن أن يطلقها

And dont say children for there are alot of women with 10 boys, have
husbands insulting them, not loving them and will probably divorce them.

ولا تقولي طباخة .. لأن الكثير منهن ماهرات في الطبخ , فالواحدة منهن تطبخ طوال
النهار ومع ذلك تشكو سوء معاملة زوجها وقلة احترامه لها

And dont say cooking because alot of them are experts at cooking, the one of
them cooks all day and yet complains about the maltreatment of and lack of
respect by her husband.

* إذا ما هو السر ؟؟؟

So what is the secret?

* ماذا كنت تعملين عند حدوث المشاكل مع زوجك ؟؟؟

What did you do when problems ocured with your husband?

قالت : عندما يغضب ويثور زوجي – وقد كان عصبياً – كنت ألجأ إلى الصمت المطبق
بكل احترام .. إياك والصمت المصاحب لنظرة سخرية ولو بالعين لأن الرجل ذكي و
يفهمها

She said: When my husband gets angry and is in rage I used to resort to
respectful silence, beware of silence whilst ridiculing him with your look
for men are smart and get it.

* لم لا تخرجي من الغرفة ؟؟

Why dont you leave the room?

قالت : إياك أن تخرجي من الغرفة .. قد يظن أنك تهربين منه ولا تريدين سماعه ,
عليك بالصمت وموافقته على ما يقول . كنت انتظره حتى يهدأ ثم بعد ذلك أقول له
وبصوتٍ خافت : هل انتهيت؟ ثم أخرج لأنه سيتعب وبحاجة للراحة بعد الكلام والصراخ
.. أخرج من الغرفة لأكمل أعمالي المنزلية وشؤون أولادي وأحاول أن لا أتذكر غضبه
وحربه لي .. وسيظل هو بمفرده وقد أنهكته الحرب التي شنها علي

She said: Never leave the room, he will think you are running away and dont
want to listen to him, you must keep silent and agreeing to what he says. I
would wait for him until he cools down and then I would tell him in a gentle
voice: Are you done? then I leave because he will get tired and needs to
rest after the rage and shouting, I leave the room to complete my housework
and my children chores and I try not to remember his anger and assault on
me, he will remain by himself tired from the rage he has given me.

* ماذا تفعلين هل تلجئين إلى أسلوب المقاطعة فلا تكلمينه لمدة أيام أو أسبوع ؟

What do you then do, do you give him the silent treatment for a few days or
a week?

قالت : لا .. إياك وإتباع أسلوب المقاطعة .. لأنها عادة سيئة وهي سلاح ذو حدين
عندما تقاطعين زوجك أسبوعاً قد يكون ذلك صعباً عليه في البداية ويحاول أن يكلمك
ولكن مع الأيام سوف يتعود على ذلك وإن قاطعته أسبوع قاطعك أسبوعين.

She said: No, never give the silent treatment, its a bad habbit and is a
double bladed sword, when you boycott him for a week it would be difficult
on him in the beginning and he will try to speak to you but with time he
will get used to it so that if you boycott him for a week he will boycott
you for two.

عليك أن تعوديه على أنك الهواء الذي يستنشقه والماء الذي يشربه ولا يستغني عنه
.. كوني كالهواء الرقيق وإياك والريح الشديدة

You have to make him used to the fact that you are the air he breathes, the
water which he drinks and cant live without, be like a gentle breeze and
never like a strong wind.

* إذاً ماذا تفعلين بعد ذلك ؟؟

So what do you do afterwards?

بعد ساعتين أو أكثر .. أضع له كوباً من العصير أو فنجاناً من القهوة وأقول له
تفضل أشرب , لأنه فعلاً محتاج إليه وأكلمه بشكل عادي ... سيقوم بسؤالي هل أنتِ
غاضبة ؟؟ فأقول لا

After two hours or more, I give him a glass of juice or a cup of coffee and
tell him please drink, for he is really in need for it and I talk to him
normaly, he will ask me: are you angry? and I say No.

فيبدأ بالاعتذار عن كلامه القاسي ويسمعني الكلام الجميل

He starts to apologize for his harsh talk and starts sweet talking me.

* وهل تصدقين اعتذاره وكلامه الجميل؟؟

And you believe his apology and sweet talk?

طبعاً ... لأني أثق بنفسي ولست غبية ...!!!

Ofcourse, because I trust myself and because I am not stupid.

هل تريدين مني تصديق كلامه وهو غاضب وتكذيبه وهو هادئ ؟؟؟

You want me to believe his talk whilst he is in rage and disbelieve it
whilst he is calm?

إن الإسلام لا يقر طلاق الغاضب ... وهو طلاق!! فكيف ما حصل معي أنا؟؟؟

Islam has not approved divorce whilst in rage , and thats divorce! so what
about what happened to me?

* فقيل لها ... و كرامتك ؟؟

She was told: What about your dignity?

قالت : أي كرامة ؟

She said: What dignity?

كرامتك ألا تصدقي أي كلمة جارحة من إنسان غاضب

Your dignity is when you dont believe a harsh word from an angry person.

و أن تصدقي كلامه عندما يكون هادئاً

And to believe his talk when he is calm.

أسامحه فوراً لأني قد نسيت كل الشتائم وأدركت أهمية

.سماع الكلام المفيد

I forgive him immediately because I have forgotten all the foul language and
realized the importance of hearing beneficial talk

وباختصار ومما سبق يمكن أن أقول :

سر السعادة الزوجية عقل المرأة ومربط تلك السعادة لسانها
And to summarize the above I can say: The secret to a happy marriage is the
woman's brain and that happiness's knot is her tongue.

Wednesday 11 February 2009

Family Etiquettes: Guidelines for the Husband in Interacting with his Wife

AUTHOR: Dr. Marwwan Al-Qaisee
SOURCE: Al-Asaalah Magazine
PRODUCED BY: Al-Ibaanah.com

The family is that brick which forms the foundation of a society. It is composed of individuals that have permanent relations established between them. Most importantly, it possesses almost a majority of the different kinds of personal relations.

Because of this, there must be certain etiquettes placed in order to control and regulate these relations. This is such that it can be maintained in the best possible manner, and so that it can generate and produce its proper fruits. Family relations consist of the relationship between the spouses from one perspective, the relationship between the parents and the children from a second perspective, and the relationship between the children themselves from a third perspective.

Etiquettes of the husband:

1. It is not from the deficiencies, but rather from good manners, that the husband shares in the responsibility of specified matters, such as the mending of garments or what is similar to that.

2. It is appropriate for a man to not restrict himself from serving himself. This is since the wife takes care of the household affairs. So therefore, it is from good manners that the husband extend a helping hand to his wife in the house, during times of necessity, such as when she is sick, pregnant, has given birth or similar to that.

3. The exemplary husband is he who cooperates with his wife by bearing good relations and showing kind manners (to her), according to the full extent of the meaning contained in these (last) two expressions. Truly, the husbands who are best at working alongside their wives are the best of mankind in the view of Islaam. This good way of living between the spouses must be deeply imbedded into the daily marital life, even at the time of divorce.

4. Beware of characterizing the relationship between the spouses with over-seriousness! For indeed characterizing the family life with a militaristic nature amounts to one of the causes for failure and bad results.

5. From the kind and noble manners of the husband is that he complies and assents to the requests of his wife, so long as they are not forbidden in the Religion. And being luxurious in food, drink and clothing is at the entrance of matters forbidden in the Religion.

6. The husband should specify a time in which he can play around and pass free time with his wife.

7. The relationship between the spouses must contain one singular and specific nature. And it cannot be this way unless the couple begins demolishing all the obstacles and impediments that stand between them. For example, the husband should not feel timid and restrain himself from drinking out of the same cup that his wife drinks out of.

8. There is no human being that is perfect. So there is no doubt that the husband will see things in his wife that does not comply with his natural disposition and preferences. If these aspects are not in opposition to the fundaments of the Religion or to the obedience of the husband and his rights, then at that point, he should not try to change her personality so that it complies with his natural preference.

9. And he must always remember that for each member of the couple, there will be an aspect of ones personality that conflicts with the others personality. And he should also remember that if there are some characteristics that he doesn't find pleasing in his wife, then indeed she has other characteristics, which will definitely be pleasing to him.

10. Do not let Ramadaan be a barrier that impedes you from showing affection to your wife, such as by kissing her. But this is so long as you are able to refrain yourself, since what is forbidden during the days of Ramadaan is only sexual intercourse.

11. Do not chase after the errors of your wife and recount them to her, for too much blaming and reprimanding will worsen the relationship between the two of you, and it will pose a threat to your marital life. So overlook your wife's easy ability to make mistakes, and make her falling into them seem like something small.

12. If you are able, do not hold back from providing your wife with good clothing and food, and from being generous in spending money on her. This is of course according to the extent of your ability.

13. Do not give little importance to implementing the punishment required for any acts in opposition to the Religion, which your wife has committed, whether it is in the home or outside it. This should be the main reason that causes you to become angry, thus no other reason should affect you (besides this one).

14. What has been stated previously does not mean that you should leave matters alone until that result comes to happen. Thus, whenever you realize that a matter is left alone, weigh it with seriousness and determination, without being too harsh or rude about it.

15. The woman is the head of the household, the one responsible for it. So do not attempt to meddle into affairs that do not fall into your area of duties and responsibilities, such as the food and the order of the house.

16. Beware of scolding your wife or blaming her for a mistake she committed, in the presence of others, even if they are your own children. For indeed that is an act that goes against correct behavior and it will lead to raising anger in the hearts of people.

17. If you are forced to place punishment upon your wife, then let it be by staying away from her at bedtime. And do not boycott her except that it is done within the household. And avoid using foul language, insulting her, beating her and describing her with repulsive names. For these matters do not befit an exemplary husband.

18. Having jealousy and caring about the modesty of your wife is a praiseworthy thing, which shows your love for her. However it is on the condition that you do not go to great extremes in this jealousy. For then at that point, it would turn into something worthy of no praise.

19. Entering the house: Do not alarm your family by entering upon them suddenly. Rather, enter while they are aware of it, and greet them with Salaam. And ask about them and how they are doing. And do not forget to remember Allaah, the Mighty and Sublime, when you enter the house.

20. Beware of spreading any secrets connected with the intimate encounters you have with your wife, for that is something restricted and forbidden.

21. Constantly maintain the cleaning of your mouth and the freshening of your breath.

22. Guardianship of your wife doesn't mean that you can exploit what Allaah has bestowed upon you from taking charge of her, such that you harm and oppress her.

23. Showing respect and kindness to your wife's family is showing respect and kindness to her. And this applies even after her death, on the condition that it is not accompanied by an act forbidden in the Religion, such as intermingling of the sexes or being in privacy (with them).

24. Too much joking will lead to (your family having) little fear (of disobeying you) and a lack of respect for you. So do not joke too much with your wife.

25. Be considerate that fulfilling the conditions which you promised to your wife during the pre-marriage agreement is a matter possessing the highest of importance and priority. So do not neglect that after getting married.

26. When you lecture your wife or reprimand her or simply speak to her, choose the kindest and nicest of words and expressions for your speech. And do not reprimand her in front of others or in front of your children.

27. It is not proper for you to ask your wife to look for work outside of the house or to spend upon you from her wealth.

28. Do not overburden your wife with acts that she is not able to handle. Consider, with extreme regard, the environment she was raised up in. Rural service is not like urban service, and the service of a strong woman and her preparation for it is not like the service of a weak woman.

29. There is nothing in the obligation of a woman's service to her husband that negates his assisting her in that regard, if he should find the free time. Rather, this is from the good manners of living between the spouses.

This discussion will continue in an upcoming issue, if Allaah wills.