As Salamu alaykum. I see the only way to live a good life is by putting Allah first.for the last few years I've been putting my nafs first. I guess in a way trying to block out reality and force life to be how I want it to be. I wanted the happiness I thought I had and SubhanAllah how I was tested. Part of me feels empty but I know I have to fill this gap with the remembrance of Allah. I do wish to find support in the dunya but I feel comfort in not depending on people. I have patience and I hope my Lord rewards me for this. I need to trust Him and rely on Him more. I feel like I tainted myself by having weak emaan. Embarrassed even SubhanAllah, may Allah forgive me for being more embarrassed in front of the people than I am in front of Him. I want to be proud of myself again,but proud without pride.i want to be proud that I'm trying my best to please Allah but in a way that my intention is that it's for Allah alone. May Allah help me and us all ameen. I keep forgetting I will be accountable, this scares me. May Allah guide my children also ameen